Adventures in Grammar

When I taught sophomore English many years ago, we had a vocabulary component. They had to learn 15 to 20 new words a week, and every Thursday I would give them a quiz on ten of these words. They had to define the word, then use it in a sentence to demonstrate they understood it in context. "Ebb," one girl wrote. "To fall off, or recede slowly." So far so good. Then she wrote this sentence: "The book ebbed off the table." A few minutes after I read this, I picked myself off the floor, having ebbed off my chair.

Thus began my long dark journey into the terrifying world of fractured syntax, words and phrases used out of context, punctuation free-for-all, disagreement between subject and verb and subject and modifier, and the ever-popular split infinitive.

I have received cover letters with resumes assuring me the writers have "alot" of experience working with the public. I have read menus offering "potatoes' au gratin" and wondered how potatoes can have au gratin and if it is a condition we should look for in potatoes. People have told me that someone gave the books to "she and I." OW. It hurts even to write that.

Most of the people who commit these grammatical faux pas (pas's?) are educated; some to Master's degree level. I'm convinced the difference between those who can write a simple English sentence and those who wander around in verbal airspace, never actually coming in for a landing, is the habit of reading regularly. Reading lifts the imagination and provokes critical thinking. But its by-products are equally important: one learns without necessarily meaning to--perhaps by osmosis--how to spell, how to punctuate, how to express oneself clearly and concisely in speech and writing.

I intend to write here occasionally about some of the common mistakes that drive me crazy and to share some simple ways to correct them. How, for example, to know whether to use "less" or "few." Oh, all right, I'll do that one now: "Less" refers to volume or general quantity; "few" to specific numbers of items. There is less water in the pitcher, so we'll be able to fill fewer glasses. People know not to say "fewer water in the pitcher," but they have no problem with "less glasses." Sports reporters are constantly reporting about "less" people in the stadium for tonight's game. Stop that! It's hurting my ears!

There is more, so much more, but I must stop now as I'm falling off, receding slowing....I'm ebbing.