Sister Mary Grammaticus Explains the Apostrophe

OK, class, settle down and come to order. Today we will deal with the apostrophe.

What is this fascination people have with the apostrophe?

They slap it on, throw a dash of it in, sprinkle it on top, and drizzle it over the whole concoction as if it's a seasoning they think will bring out the flavor of what they've written.

As with any seasoning, its overuse merely confuses the palate and ruins the taste.

There are two common uses of the apostrophe: to connote possession and to indicate contraction. It is also used, but only occasionally, to signify a plural.

Here are examples:

Possession: Your brother's hat is on the table. The Democratic Party's candidate was successful in his campaign.
Exceptions: We don't use an apostrophe with yours, ours, theirs, or its. That hat is yours. These hats are ours. Those hats are theirs. This hat has lost its feather.
Common mistakes: Writing a plural as if it's a possessive. These hats' are ours. Our special today is hot dog's. If you write these or anything similar, you're confusing your reader. Are you telling us you have hot dogs, or are you telling us your hot dogs have something, but you've forgotten to say exactly what they have?

Contraction: You're. When you write this, you're shortening the phrase, "you are." They've. When you write this, you're shortening the phrase, "they have." It's. This is a shortening of "it is." Could've. This is a shortening of the phrase, "could have," as in the sentence: "I could've been a contender."
Common mistakes: Writing "your" when one means "you're." People will write, "Your driving me crazy." No, YOU'RE not. "Could of." Since "could've" is a contraction of "could have," what exactly is conveyed by "could of?" Nobody knows, as could, should, and would, followed by "of," means absolutely nothing in the English language.

If you are hopelessly confused by the rules governing the use of the apostrophe, please follow this general rule: when in doubt, don't use it. Please.

Class dismissed...for now.